31 July 2011

Wanted: Writing/Reading Partner.

Description: I am interested in working on my writing craft. I feel especially weak in character development, plot construction, and conflict resolution. So I'd like someone to partner with me in writing and reading by peer reviewing/editing my work, bouncing ideas back and forth, and sharing with me his/her work.

Qualifications: Friend; Avid reader who enjoys writing; Devoted, faithful person who will reliably respond within a reasonable amount of time. Preferably a non-INTJ (you guys know I love us, but I want someone to offer me a perspective I cannot see on my own) and I already have an IXFP (hello Will! :D); an ESFJ would be desired for their consistency and considerate correction, and an ENFP would be nice because of their creativity and candor. Any way, I'd need someone with good taste who is willing to point out my weaknesses by supporting his/her criticisms with good reasons.

Disclaimer: I'm only half-kidding. :D

"He is a gift of a character."

It doesn't matter if people don't think you're brave. Bravery isn't about what people think.

Ch. 33


27 July 2011

On the value of perseverance.

I once watched Tavis Smiley interview Tony Danza (the guy from Who's the Boss?, the show which they had a class on in Community) on him becoming a teacher after many years of success in acting and tv show hosting. They discussed programs like Teach For America, which for all the acclaim it has received over the years has also received much criticism, where very bright, young, talented fresh out of college graduates go to tough, inner city schools and teach for a few years. They are just thrown in there without much training and the idea is to bridge the gap between the affluent and the impoverished, and to build real human connections between teachers and students, and to bring about substantive, meaningful change.

Danza seemed like a fan of the program because he is, among many other things, an advocate of teachers and teaching, but his one criticism was this: that teaching is tough, and that by the time the teachers actually get good at their job, after 2 or 3 years of teaching, and after all the failing that they go through, and all the mistakes that they make (and learn from), they end up quitting, or moving on to another field thinking that teaching isn't for them. But he said that's the one tragedy among teachers, and I'd say among all learners as well, that once they finally start getting good at something, once they finally start to firmly get the hang of things, they think that this thing is not for them, they quit, and they move on. And he said the only difference between the good teachers and these teachers, is that the good ones stick around.

Hey, you out there, struggling with whatever craft you're trying to master, whatever obstacle you're trying to overcome. Yeah, you. Don't give up.


I talk to me.

24 July 2011

1 Corinthians 9:16.

After talking with Mia and Julia today about INTJs and their inability to love, I got curious and stumbled upon a thread on intjforum.com titled, "What is love?" It killed me inside to read all the responses, which were obviously not love. It didn't kill me because these were so-called "lesser evolved INTJs" but because none had been touched in the same way as I had by the truth of the Gospel--that is, that God is love,* and that by this we know love, that Christ laid down his life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for each other.**

On another note, I found this response by a fellow INTJ hilarious/tragic, "Here come the long lines of emotionally retarded INTJ scientific answers."

* 1 John 4:8
** 1 John 3:16

Hollow, haunting, resonating.

On the way home today I heard someone singing Radiohead's Creep at Washington Square Park. Although I was dying to pee, I took smaller, slower steps and wafted in the music, the passionate performance of a desperate man clinging to his last, few, tiny shreds of hope. I was so tempted to stay, but I couldn't hold it any longer and dashed down the street and up the stairs. Oh that song, so perfect on a hot summer's night, in a park full of lovers, strangers, and friends. The willing assailants of that song's tragic, sharp edge.

20 July 2011

Grappling hook.

The problem with always getting what you want is that you'll never get anything better.

I don't get what I want; I am blessed.

Don't spoil it for me.

I haven't seen the last movie yet, but from intjforum.com,
I think Snape probably is an INTJ, just a very misanthropic one. His overwhelming love for Lily is just, to me, a side effect of being INTJ. In other words, he wasn't great with his F, and it ruined things for him with Lily.
Sounds about right.

17 July 2011

Prayer Meeting.

I went to RWC's Wednesday night prayer meeting for the first time last week. I hadn't realized how much I had missed prayer meetings (they were my favorite part of KCM). Three people prayed over me - thank you Lord - and when they were praying I couldn't help but think, "How'd you know?" Either I'm very obvious or they had secret knowledge. And although I know I'm pretty transparent, easy to read, etc., I'd still like to think/hope that Holy Spirit gave them a little insight into my life for just that moment, just for that prayer :)

15 July 2011

I want to watch!

Now it's over. It's the real world. I feel like I have to, like, a find a job.

Mily Mena, 23-year-old Harry Potter fan on life having to go on after the end of the film franchise with the release of final movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Part 2

11 July 2011


My two INTJ friends, Brian and Susan, are visiting me here in New York in August. :D I can't wait! Until then, I should get to work so that by the time they get here I'll have plenty of time to play. I'm very tempted to ignore the troubles of life by immersing myself in my work. But I shouldn't, right? I shouldn't take the easy way out, right? I've got to confront fear, to cast it out by perfect love.

Also, I don't usually like to do this but, my blog post titled, "Ray Tracing" is a reference to a technical phrase from physics, which is basically a technique for generating the shadows, lighting, and reflections in 3d images by following each ray of light as it bounces from surface to surface. As a literary allusion, however, I simply mean it as, "Reflections".


I wonder how many people attempt to solve the puzzles I leave for them, and why more people aren't as insatiably curious as I am.


I understand that guarding your heart is very important,
I don't understand why it's so difficult.

06 July 2011

Ray tracing.


Have you ever gone through your old journals and thought, "Wow, I wrote that?" I was looking through my Tumblr the other day, and I stumbled upon this,
And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. — Matthew 24:12

There is an important relationship here being revealed between the Law and Love. As lawlessness—that is, the world’s freedom, bondage to sin, and license—increases, it inhibits the warmth—that is, the power, contagious nature, and fruition—of love. In other words, lawlessness aborts love. Lawlessness strangles love. Lawlessness suffocates love. As seeds of love are sown on lawless ground, it is like wheat trying to grow among thorns and weeds. The seeds will be choked to death. And what could have been—what should have been—will not have been.

To bear much fruit, love must be sown in grace. There, you find liberty, not license. There, love is free, not cheap.

Love is devoted. Love is faithful. Love is not about the breaking of the Law, but about Christ’s fulfillment of it. Love is not about losing all inhibitions to follow your passions, but about leaving everything behind to follow Christ. Love is neither lawless nor legalist, but lovingly obedient. Love transcends all categories of human effort by the power of the work accomplished on the cross.

Love is putting another before yourself.

Love is dying.

I've had jealous thoughts lately. I do not like Jealous John. He's not a very good version of me. Jealous John looks at other people and wonders, "Why them, why not me?" And he looks at himself and thinks, "Why me, why not them?"


I had a dream the other day. I was wrestling with God, and I demanded that he release me from these things keeping me from Him—from the lust, envy, and strife, from the disobedience, bitterness, and pain. I asked Him to release me from my past, all my regrets, all my mistakes. And with each request He took a jab at my hip. And with each touch of His finger, I was released. Set free. Made new.

Sometimes we are too quick to seek resolution. But I think part of wrestling means staying in that state of discomfort, uncertainty, and tension. And we wrestle, and we wrestle, and we wrestle. And God hears us, and knows us, and answers our prayers.


I didn't realize how much peace I didn't have until I started asking God for peace. And how discontent my heart was until I started asking Him to fill it.

03 July 2011

Remember, prayer, and surrender.

I'm going to be alone, more than I would like. But if I've got to be alone, then I've got to be strong. And I've got to not give up. Even though I am alone, I must always know, that really, I'm not. That's because I've got You here with me, always. And there were people like me, before me, the prophets, and apostles, and missionaries, who had callings like mine--to be alone, more than we would like, and to be strong, and most importantly, to not give up. And even if what we say pushes people away--that is, if we speak the truth and by speaking the truth alienate ourselves--we are not alone, because we've got You, and You've got us, and that is our calling. And even though it would be nice to not be alone, to have someone, to have their support and encouragement, and to always know that they'll be there for us--even though that would be nice, it's not necessary. And You give us what we need, not what we want, and You do it for the good, and not for the nice. So Lord, if I've got to be alone, then help me be strong, and help me to not give up. And remind me always, that You are there, and that really, I'm never alone.


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

02 July 2011

Becoming fond of the format.

I'm going to be visiting home in about a month or so. Every time I see my extended family, they always speak their minds. You think you guys have it bad? Some of my family members are the most blunt people you'll ever meet, hahaha,
: Jc, you gain weight.
: Look, you're going bald.
: Your shirt's wrinkled. You look poor.
: You need to shave your beard. You look like terrorist!
And they'll always have some secret family remedy to fix me right up,
: Can you smile? Oh, I know a good dentist who can work on your teeth for you.
: Here, try this horse shampoo. It'll grow back your hair.
: Have you ever thought about joining the Marines? It's not that bad, 12 week boot camp, they'll get you in shape real quick.
But in all my years of being fat, bald, ugly, and poor, I've never had a more funny reaction than from my cousin, around senior year of high school,
: Haha? haHA! haHAhaHA! is that a... MULLET?? Jc, you're growing out a MULLET?! HAHAHA NICE!
I wasn't trying to grow out a mullet. I just hadn't cut my hair in a long, long time, and I guess the back had been growing out faster than the top. Haha, whoops, my bad.


R: They used to call you the man with no name.
S: These days they've got a name for just about everything. Doesn't matter what they call you. It's the deeds that make the man.
R: Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phony. My friends believed in me, but, they need some kind of hero.
S: Then be a hero.
R: Oh no. No, no, you don't understand. I'm not even suppose to be here.
S: That's right, You came a long way to find something that isn't out here. Don't you see? It's not about you. It's about them.
R: But I can't go back.
S: Don't know that you've got a choice, son. No man can walk out on his own story.

R: Did you just see that?
A: We each see what we need to see. Beautiful, isn't it?
R: Yeah, it is.
A: Come my friend. I want to show you something.

R: No man can walk out on his own story... I'm going back.
A: But why?
R: Because that's who I am.

01 July 2011

Things unsaid.

I have published a total of 247* posts on blogspot. I have 703 unfinished drafts, all of varying substance and quality, and most of which I will never return to or read again. I wonder what value these drafts have, and why I find it nearly impossible to throw them out.

*248 if you count this