He is jealous for me.

I came to God today in prayer asking him to show me how much he loved me. I was full of doubt, distant, indifferent. I remember once as a child disappointing my dad. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I remember crying out the entire night, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I cried so much that night that I got sick the next morning. My dad never came to comfort me. I had disappointed him. And it had devastated me so much to let my dad down. I wanted his approval. I wanted his acknowledgment. I wanted his recognition.

I had a friend who shared with me that he never argued with his ex-girlfriend, except once. And that one time that he raised his voice, she began to cry. He immediately stopped and asked her why she was crying. She said, "Because I made you mad."

I came to God today asking him how much he loved me, and he showed me something first, before he overwhelmed me with his love. He showed me the state of my own heart. How much I've wanted. How that want has turned to lust. How that lust has overwhelmed me and consumed me. How my heart has coveted possessions, and how my affections have wandered from my one true, first love.

I broke down in repentance. "I have not put you first. I have not put you first. I am so sorry. I am so sorry." It was a startling realization, for one so blindsided, so single-minded. I have not put God first. He has not consumed my thoughts. He has not been my one true concern.

Then he pointed me to a passage I thought I knew well, but seemed all too foreign to me as I ran my hands over the words of the page. Romans 8. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." And, "We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." And, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us."

And, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

He who did not spare his own Son. How will he not?